On going backwards and forward and no-where
Hi! It's Great Aunt Bohmee
Dear Amarah and Tess,
Today I had to take the Skytrain home instead of the usual 410 bus that takes me straight home after my first bus from Richmond-Bridgehouse station. I waited for 20 minutes for the 410 before I gave up and decided to take the Canada Line all the way to Waterfront and then transfer to the Expo line.1 I still don’t know why the 410 didn’t come the time it was supposed to, but I think that about a lot of things that happen in life.
The Expo line Skytrain that I happened to be going on was heading to Production Way-University which meant that it was less crowded than the ones going to King George and that I got to get a seat. The seat felt like a paycheck after working on the farm for eight hours.2 The train moved in a way in which the seats all faced the back, providing a nostalgic effect of going slowly backwards in motion when you looked out the window.
Feeling like I was going backwards (physically) made me think about my fear of going backwards (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) once coming home. We probably have discussed my fear of returning home because it might make me lose the person I have become and learned to love in Hamilton. Coming home feels like sticking on the dead skin I shed in the shower back on my body. The skin of “previous” Bohmee, was less happy with herself, distant, stagnant, and overly self-conscious. It’s not the softest dead skin to put back on. I don’t know why I associate these negative characteristics with my “home” self (that is a question for Pam). Perhaps I am still at odds with my high-school self or maybe I associate feelings of discomfort with the spaces that should no longer be uncomfortable. Anyway, I’ve been trying to curb this fear from overtaking me for the past month and a half. Thinking that I will become a certain way because of the way things are will probably only turn me into the person I fear becoming.
So here are some random things I’ve been doing to keep myself dynamic (and their effectiveness):
Going to local bookstores and buying books that remind me of sporadic discourses I’ve had with other artscis (3/10 because I have yet to read the books I got but it’s the thought that counts!).
Going swimming at the public pool (I’ve only done this twice so far but there is something very empowering about getting changed in front of a bunch of women and not giving a crap about how we all look or our nakedness. Which like, sounds weird I guess but like… I would rather get changed in front of everyone than in front of a toilet. 9/10 for maintaining and strengthening a positive body-image mentality. Also, I find that changing in front of strangers is easier than changing in front of people I know. Swimming is nice too, I like to float on my stomach and pretend I’m dead leaf).
Singing and humming on the farm. My farm manager hums a lot so I’ve picked it up too. It helps with awkward silences and also silences the thoughts in my head. It also has made me more comfortable with singing in public (7/10).
Ignoring the urge to come up with an excuse. Okay, I’m working on this one. For example, someone asked me if I was single or had a partner and I said no. But then I had this urge to tell them an elaborate story as to why - why things didn’t work out, why my parents were so strict, etc. etc. Adding unnecessary details in fear of someone misunderstanding or misperceiving me is something I would have done in high school. But this time, I suppressed the urge to explain myself and stated the facts - I am single and inexperienced. I can add the details if people ask! But there is no need to spice things up just to be perceived a certain way. Tangentially related to excuses, I am working on being more accountable. Once on the farm I accidentally cut off the heads of a bunch of green onions with the weedwhacker (it was my first time using the weedwhacker. (Speaking of excuses!)). At first, I thought about just covering everything with the weeds LOL but after walking in circles and having a 10-second breakdown I went to find my farm manager and told him. I was relieved to hear that the green onions would grow back and that everything was a-okay. Who would have thought that at 22 years I would still be in the process of learning how to own up to my mistakes but hey! I’m only 22! (5/10 because it’s still in progress and difficult to practice).
Saying yes to trying new things. At the farm, they will ask people to do random things (like weed-whacking or using the Honda GX25) and I’ve been trying to say yes to all of them and learn how to do different things. (7/10 because I’m learning new things but also in the middle of learning how to use something I kill a bunch of vegetables and I freak out LMAO).
Reminding myself that people don’t spend that much time thinking about me (4/10 because I forget to do this).
Trusting my gut. Gosh, I have the worst digestive system so sometimes I don’t know if I’m constipated or getting a gut feeling of some sort. But I feel like in the past four years I’ve come to a better understanding of myself and I want to maintain this knowledge. Instead of making a decision right away, I’ve been trying to take time to listen to my thoughts, rationalize, and trust that I know what I am looking for. There have been moments this past week where I tried to convince myself that I could potentially make something work but in truth, I didn’t want to make it work and it wasn’t what I was truly looking for. If I don’t want to revert to my “old” self I need to listen to my today self more (6/10).
Coming home has made me feel stagnant and awkward, especially since I am so far away from you both. The security from your love and friendship pushed me forward and helped me become happier with myself and life. The space you both gave me to be me, make mistakes, cry with, and sit at coffee shops gave me the reassurance that life was, in some shape or form, going to be okay. Moreover, you guys helped me believe was okay to be me, that there was a level of comfort in life that I deserved (that everyone deserved), and that there will always be people to laugh at my jokes (even if they were bad).
Perhaps the healthy thing to do is to come to terms with my old self and accept that it is still me. If it wasn’t for my old self, I would not have become the “Hamilton Bohmee” that I have come to love. And I would not have been able to become roommates with the two of you if it wasn’t for my old self deciding to take Biology 1M03. I am my old self, I am my today self, I am my tomorrow self. I am just self lol. I’m going backwards, forwards, and nowhere and there is not much I can do about it other than enjoy life with the people I love. And to do that, I need to foster the same level of comfort that I had on the big comfy couch, here, by finding and giving more love (via Bohmee-style).
The motion of going “backwards” also made me do a rewind of the last four years of undergrad but in the most random and inconsistent manner. So here are some that popped up in my mind on the Skytrain:
When I came back from Korea last summer late at night with a terrible big luggage bag with broken wheels, a small suitcase, and my MEC bag and I was struggling to get everything home and a random second-year health-sci biked passed me and then circled back to ask me if I needed help. He carried the big bag home and I walked his bike and my other bags.
Sitting on the porch of Mitch and Sam’s old house at night (idk what the context for this was, I think Mitch was sick and we went to say hi?!?!? This was the pre-dating era I think)
Making soup with XL-ent formal people
A rainy night walk with a guy I liked but there were so many worms shimmying on the pavement.
That time a squirrel died outside our house and Tess bravely helped get it off our premises (I can’t remember what we did with it).
Riding in the truck of the facility service manager because he wanted to show me all the concrete blocks that they had and could give to us for free (but we had to pay for the labour).
My bike route to get to Nations and the Central Library.
Okay, that is all! I miss you both a lot.
Here is a photo of me blow-torching holes into plastic!
And here is a Korean song I was listening to on the Skytrain while thinking about this blog post.
Cheers,
Great Aunt Bohmee
Both routes thankfully take about the same time (1.5hrs~) but taking the Skytrain makes me pay for two zones instead of one (ew).
Wednesday is harvest day! Today was our first harvest and quite demanding. Maybe I’ll do a farm blog post one day. I then went to help my friend run a speed-dating event it was quite the day.
Bohmee 🥲